blogging is my own therapy. in a sense.

There are just so many things running through my mind right now. I need to get them all down somewhere so that I can clear my mind a little and get some sleep.

I just don't even know where to start. Just so many things.

Well. After school I went to the youth room-which is the basement of the rectory. Amy was there and Elizabeth and Jose and Angel. We sorted yellow t-shirts and cow hats for all of the kids attending NCYC from our diocese. And that is quite a few. Even our little parish has 20 some kids. Kind of stressful making sure we had the right numbers.

Then the sky got really gray and the clouds were zooming across the sky. The Davidson's were very worried and made it down the stairs to the basement to take shelter- even with their walking canes and old bones! But Elizabeth and I decided we could face it and ran up to drive home. I made it home no problem. There was no tornado, just a watch. And some rain. And maybe hail?

After dinner I drove to Wal-mart where I met Elizabeth and Tori. We were shopping for snacks and trading items for NCYC. They got a lot accomplished, but I was more in it for the fun.

While we were there I got one of the best phone calls possibly that I have ever received! My admission counselor from SLU called to tell me he had reviewed my application and I have been accepted and even qualify for a scholarship. I just really loved it there. And it's really cute that they call!-minus that I'm one of those people who dislikes opening presents in front of people because I don't have an outward reaction and expression really-so it was kind of hard to express all of the joy and excitement I felt within when he told me the news. I have basically been thinking about it non-stop since!

I have also been thinking about physical therapy as a possible major/profession. I would still be in the health field, but I wouldn't have to deal with the blood or guts or anything. And I wouldn't have to deal with death, or doing something wrong that could lead to death or worsening a patient. And I wouldn't have to see people who were struggling and very sickly. Plus I would most likely have more of a regular, consistent schedule without emergency calls that would allow me to have a family eventually. I talked to the man who called me tonight from SLU about it-not about all of this, just about the possibility of changing from undecided to physical therapy and he said to be sure to e-mail him right away if I did. So I went home and did just that.

College is just so overwhelming. To try to decide which one to go to. (Although so far I've only been accepted to SLU and Hanover). And the money is overwhelming too. And all of the different scholarships and the different requirements and deadlines and everything. Wow. Just so much.

And today is Monday! Which means Gossip Girl. The show is just so addicting. I love it! And I have been thinking about what we talked about at Life Teen- and while yes the show does have some different values than the ones I hold myself. But I am justifying it by 1) I'm not looking towards it for guidance. Just entertainment. I am mature enough to separate entertainment from influencing my lifestyle and choices. But 2) I feel like between psych and personality tests and college and thinking about majors I have taken a lot of personality tests and been guided a lot to see what peeks my interest. This show particularly captures my interest because of the plot. I love watching the relationships between people as they are formed and carry on. I also love trying to make connections before they are revealed and try to figure out what could happen next.

Speaking of NCYC. We leave Wednesday after school and get home Saturday at like 1am. And I am stressing a little. I just like things to be laid out exactly and all of the little details and kinks worked out. -For example the extensive planning and organizing I did when I took my senior pictures. I wish it was laid out on paper exactly what to bring and what we were doing and who I was rooming with and just all of that. But I will just have to breath and go with the flow.

More on the personality thing and finding out things about myself- am flexible as I can be, I love when things are as organized as possible. I love schedules that fit exactly to a T (as I think about it, I remember trying to plan my birthday parties down to every minute when I was younger). I probably do best when I know what to do and where to go and what to expect.

Maybe this partically ties into some of my frustration with English. She never hands out written assignments or prompts. And never ever do we get rubrics or expectations. So then when we get graded harshly it seems to me a little unfair because I don't know how to know what she wants from each project. And when she doesn't write any comments or leave any markings besides the grade I never know what I did wrong to deserve the grade-so I don't know how to improve on my weakness and improve my grade on the next paper. But I just need to let it go.

As you can see my mind is racing faster than I can handle. But I will try to do some deep breathes. And know that tomorrow I will have 1 and 2 periods as a study hall and can do my homework then. And that it was worth it to put it off until then because I got to spend this part of my evening blogging and letting it all out.

Also another frustration about NCYC is missing Thursday and Friday and not knowing my assignments or what I need to make up from every class yet. But I will get there. And things will be great.

Love love love

Driving from Health Careers to school this morning there was a moment of blue sky and sunshine. I was happy that I could embrace it and capture it for the instant it lasted.

But during the day, and when I got out of school it was old and gray and colorless.

Even though it stayed like that for the rest of the day until it turned dark, that was not the way my day went. I had a loveeeeely day!

I crawled in my bed when I got home. I turned out the light, and the little that would have came in from the window was blocked by my brown blanket. Then I covered up under my warm layers of blankets. I almost never fail to fall asleep- it kind of impresses me.

I got up and packed for the night at my dad's. I was happy to see him, because there was a mix-up Monday night and I didn't get to.

He dropped me off in my car (I needed dropped off and sometimes he thinks he should drive "his" green car since he rarely gets the chance) at Arni's. Lauren, Darcy, Megan, and Hilary were already there. We all pitched in money and bought 2 pizzas and bread sticks. They even got one of the pizzas with half cheese. Then, soon Hannah showed up. And so did Cole!! He works there and we were really hoping we'd see him. Every time he walked by, which was quite frequently, we clapped for him. Over dinner we talked about colleges and the boy of Costa Rica and our English homework.

I rode with Hannah. We followed Darcy and drove down an alley that I didn't even know existed. We parked, not sure where we were going. But luckily a door opened up from the wall of the building, a door that I also didn't know existed.

We were welcomed into My Artz Desire. Katie's mom owned part of the studio and it's where Katie's party was held. Which is why we were going there.

When we got in there, I tried to soak it all in. I loved it. Everything. All of the tools and colors and organization and artwork and creativeness.

We sat down at the tables and Elizabeth, the owner, showed us some of her canvas painting and explained to us how each one came to be. Then we all got colors of paint. I really wanted purple and teals, but they didn't match with red. And I wanted to create something that could go with the walls in my bedroom. I chose red, lime green, and yellow. We also got water and brushes, then sat back down.

Then, we each passed out a blank canvas. They started out all the same, just waiting for us to make them our own. Elizabeth led us. First we put water and color on the top of the canvas and held it up so it dripped downwards. Then, we turned it over and put paint and water on the other side, running the drips together. We added as much, or little as we wanted and started to mold them into very unique pieces.

We left them to day, some laid flat, and some tilted so they would continue to drip.

Then she gave us another demonstration for adding texture and layers. She showed us paper and stamps and water colored pencils and a book and newspaper. Then she told us to create.

I wanted to try to rip pieces out of the book and form it into a leaf, but it just wasn't working out. Then, I cut a tree out and single words about nature and happy, good-feeling adjectives.

While we were working she cut the cake and passed it out. It was vanilla cake with cherry jello in it and vanilla pudding as frosting. It was light and moist and unique and fit perfect with the rest of the night. There was also music playing in the background- mixes of music put together by Katie. I loved singing along to some of my very favorite songs like Upside Down by Jack Johnson and Drops of Jupiter by Train.

Then, I added some love birds to my painting. When I painted them blue to stand out, I saw that my tree mentioned the word bird multiple times. I did not know this, or realize it earlier. But when I noticed it, I was estatic! It was meant to be and went together so well. I was just so very excited. I highlighted them in the same blue paint to tie it altogether, but maybe I should have left it for people to realize all on their own.

The more I look at my painting, the more I see about it that I love. And also some things I wish I could change. I love that the only slanted lines on the painting are attached to one of the birds. I didn't notice that until I got home either. It seems as if it could be his flight path.

I loved walking around the room and looking at all of my friends' hearts being poured out into their projects. They all looked very different, and also like the person that did them.

We helped clean up the brushes and throw away our paper plate paint pallets and wipe off the tables. I was sad to leave, but so happy to have been there. My heart was so joyful and in it's right, true form.

I want to be able to create everyday. I love using my hands to make something physical like my painting or a ceramic piece or a collage of photographs or a greeting card.

I also love to create with words. Not only like the ones I used in my painting from the book, but also words of my very own. I couldn't think of a more perfect way to end this beautiful day, than to finally sit down and blog.

I also want to love. I want to be with people that make me happy and that help me to rise to my full potential and that influence me for the better and that are encouraging. And then, I want to show them love and gratitude and let them know what they mean to me. Maybe someday I will start and write a note, one a day, to someone I love telling them what I love about them and how they have helped me or what impact they have made on my life.

Moments I want to remember

This is catching up stuff. That needs to be blogged about, and had needed to for a while. And I finally have some pictures I can add! YAY. well some.

Last week, I'm pretty sure on Thursday, Laci and I were walking from psychology to lunch. We were the only ones in the hallway. Then Mrs. Stonebraker came along. We both had here last year for Integrated Health. I loved that class and I loved her, but I hadn't talked to her since last year. She said hi to us then we stopped in the middle of the hallway and she put her arm around me. I figured it was just going to be a hug, something I really didn't expect. But I didn't expect this to happen either: she said, "about a month ago you were driving behind me." My mind started to race about what I could have done wrong that she was upset about-maybe I got too close to her car or my music was too loud. Then she said she kept looking back at me and tears were just pouring from my face. She said it broke her heart and she wanted to turn around and talk to me. But she called another science teacher, Mrs. Ricke, to see if she knew anything. I don't know why, but as I stood in the hallway with her arm around me I started to tear up. Maybe it was because of the flash back to that drive home and remembering pulling out behind someone from CHS with blond hair that kept looking at me. Or maybe because of the fact that I still can't believe my Grandma died and every time I talk about it, it becomes more of a reality and less of a bad nightmare. It could also have likely been because of the respect and admiration I had for Mrs. Stonebraker and to see her care about me. She told me I didn't have to tell her what was wrong, and honestly I couldn't. I told Laci she could tell her and Laci said that my Grandma passed away. Mrs. Stonebraker hugged me and said that she suspected it must have been something like that because nothing else would cause the emotion I was showing in my car that day. As we turned to walk away Laci mentioned that it was on my birthday and Mrs. Stonebraker said that she was so sorry, but to know I'll always remember her-and when I do to think of the good memories.

Friday in my Health Careers class is my favorite day of the week-no matter what we are learning about. We went to Even Start, the developmental preschool. When Laci and I sat down, the girl beside me wouldn't talk. She just ate her breakfast and smiled at me. Then she went to speech and Laci and I went to a classroom with some of the kids we were sitting at. I played play dough and did a puzzle with Wilie who needed to work on using her inside voice. I wiped Taty's nose when she sneezed and snot dripped down her face. I laughed at Jose Miguel's giggle as he'd run and hide. I broke up fights that Katlin got into and held two different kids that got pushed down and cried two different times. Addison and Elijah. Each of them cried and clung to me, holding on until they stopped. It broke my heart, but I loved being their comfort. Then there was Serenity. The girl who I sat down next to at breakfast. When she came back from speech, she no longer shy and talked to me a lot. She had the sweetest smile and dimples. I watched as she painted, wishing I had that in my classroom. Then I helped her wash her red, messy hands.

Saturday morning my mom, Dan, and I dropped Maria off at work. Then we went to my Grandparents' house who told us the food we needed to eat and the last minute chores that were unable to finish. We brought their bags and climbed in the van. We stopped for them to say goodbye to Maria at work, then headed to the airport. I will really miss having them around, but I know that they probably do better in warm Florida. I can't wait until April when we get to visit them, and then May when they return home.

Sunday at the 5pm mass Joe Sadowski did a walk through mass. Before things would happen, he gave a brief background and description of what was happening and why. It was a lot to take in, and made mass go really slow. But I did really enjoy it. I love the traditions of the Catholic church. (and just traditions in general). I liked that he explained Jesus chose to use bread and wine. The bread is universal and found in every culture. It was also fairly simple and inexpensive. Another important aspect of it is that bread if fulfilling and sustains you. Choosing alcohol was no coincidence. Joe explained that yes, drinking it makes us happier and act different. This was the point. Once you drink the wine (blood) and are filled with Jesus you should be changed and feel more lively.

After mass, I went to lifeteencville tshirts.

For English for Monday our assignment was to come up with a riddle of a common object. Here is mine:
I can be found in all 50 states
Even Crawfordsville has well over 10 of me
Often times when people claim I'm broken, I still work
In fact, I work overtime but do not get paid for it
Some people like to listen to me
I can lay down a beat better than any music on the radio
I am made up of 4 sections
My team colors are blue and red
I have a life time warranty
But my size and how long I last usually varies

What am I?

In class on Monday our teacher read them out loud and we had to write down our guesses on a piece of paper. Out of all of those smart and intelligent people in my class guess who got the most correct! I did! I really love riddles and problem solving when given clues.

Monday instead of taking my after school nap, I was very productive. I cleaned my room and decluttered and found stuff to throw away!

My mom went to a meeting Monday night and we weren't quite sure what to do with ourselves. So Dan and I sat on the couch and played Family Fued on our phones for an hour and a half. We both love it. It just is so much fun trying to think of the answers.

[Maddy's] Daily Affirmations

Just a few more thoughts:
I like painted finger and toe nails.
I like cleaning my room at night.
I like outlines-especially very organized outlines.
I like visiting people I love.
I like improving and accomplishing things.
I like to sleep under lots of blankets.
I like black and white photographs.
I like reading blogs and personal essays and memoirs.
I like learning about things I'm interested I'm an intrigued by.
I like sweet tasting foods and candy.
I like guitar music.
I like the smell of laundry detergent on my clothes.
I like when my dog lays still long enough for me to pet her.
I like gymnastics leotards.
I like the sense of relief and peace and calmness after I pray.
I like Chapstick.
I like taking naps after school.

But now it's time for me to go I sleep.

I am so thankful for everyone in my life. No matter how big or small of role they play.

Tonight I have a lot of thoughts:

1) The song: You Love Me Anyway by Sidewalk Prophet

It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
Obviously I first think of my Grandma Demeter. But also of my Grandpa Demeter and brother Matthew. And Aunt Madeline. And Lucious Newsome. Also of Liz Logelin.

2) Who is Liz Logelin? The mother from the memoir I am currently reading called: Two Kisses for Maddy. Tonight I made it through the saddest chapter, barely. Even with it's sadness, it is beautiful and lovely and precious and courageous and I advise anyone to read it.

3) Tonight was our second open gym for gymnastics. And tonight I got my back handsprings!! All by myself!! I'm so excited. Also I love my coaches and teammates and leos and everything about the sport.

4) If I could drop any class, it would still by English honors. I just lucky to have Josue to walk with after and before that class and Hilary to sit besides during it.

Now working backwards.

1) Monday October 31. Halloween. Aunt Wendy's birthday:
             -After school Hannah and I received our soccer senior presents from the team. They are large blankets printed with pictures of Hannah and I throughout our CHS soccer career. I love them. The idea was just so creative and exciting. Last night I slept under it.
              -I sat on the front porch with my mom and with Dan and helped pass out candy to trick or treaters. I realized how much I really love little kids and how adorable they are. I loved the little ones in their cute costumes and with such polite manners. We laughed a lot when my mom told a little girl that she had a beautiful costume and she responded to us with, "Well. I think you are beautiful! All three of you!" Then she ran down our sidewalk to her mom and smiled as she told her mom that she just didn't know what to say. I was also really happy to be visited by my friend's little sister. Her name is Jessica. They pulled up in a car and she and another girl got out and ran to us. Then back to the car. We weren't sure who it was, but noticed that they were clearly specifically coming to our house. Then Jess ran back and said "It's me! Jessica!" and she gave me a big hug.

2) Sunday. October 30. My mom's birthday!
             -It was my mom's birthday. And I just love her so much.
             -At 12pm I had an interview to be a babysitter. I was worried about being shy and not knowing the family. But right when the mom, Emily, opened the door and welcomed me in I fell in love with their family. Jensson, the two year old whom I will hopefully be babysitting was adorable. He was so content and happy and really smart-he knew his colors, letters, shapes, and some words when they were written out on paper. I wanted to stay and play with him all day. I could tell his mom is a great mother. She told me about how she doesn't even know what channel Disney is on because he doesn't ever watch tv. Not because she is opposed to it, but because they are always busy playing. She loves him and obviously wants what's best for him. His grandma has been his only babysitter, and it is a good idea to have someone come to the house and meet them before trusting them to watch your kid. His dad, Nate is also really sweet and involved. Such a cute, happy family. I really hope things work out to where I can babysit for them. Oh and not to mention they have a gorgeous dog named Max that is part yellow lab and part mastiff.
           -We went to 5pm mass and Josue joined us. I was so happy and proud of him. I could not imagine just jumping in and going to church. But he did it. And was great. Having gone almost every week since I was born, it didn't even occur to me to explain things we did beforehand or to have things for him to follow along with. But he seemed to handle it well. I hope that he at least got something from it.

3) Saturday. October 29.
           -I'm not sure how he did it, but Saturday morning my dad managed to wake me up in time to leave for Indy at 8am. I hadn't been to The Lord's Pantry once this school year, and I was really excited to be back. There were so many good things, besides the good that I get from it every time. For example: usually I am quiet and glued to my dad's side. But when we were standing in line waiting to help carry bags, the kid in front of me turned and asked about my Xavier shirt-if that's where I went to school. I explained that I'd applied and was hoping to maybe go there. He told me he is a junior but that he is interested in Xavier too. And Marquette. Towards the end, we talked again. About how long we'd been coming here and if we would be there next Saturday and what each others names were. His is Daniel. He also noticed that I was the girl in the pictures hanging up above the big freezer. I was shocked that anyone would made the connection and slightly embarrassed because that was when I wore a big retainer/appliance in my mouth. I was joyed with his friendliness, because I would never have been able to start a conversation on my own. As much as I love people, I am shy and it's easier if I'm approached first. I also liked when the guy who assigned people to help carry bags and helped pass out bags remembered me. He even remembered my name-although at the moment I forget his. And we talked about college. He told me that Dayton was where he went-which is one of the school's I have applied too. He also assured me not to worry that I'm not sure what I want to do yet because I still have a lot of time to decide and time to change my mind. Also-I'm always proud that my dad is the one to give the pre-talk now. But my heart ached for him as he got to the part about parents and having the best parents in the world and giving us a sure way to get out of debt with them the next time we see them. But for him, I realize it will be some time.
             -For my mom's birthday, Saturday night my house was full of people. Dan's parents and aunt, my grandparents, Michael & Lexie, Sarah, and later Josue and Maria. I love the liveliness of this group and the different lives and time periods we have all lived through. I love the optimism and love and encouragement and laughter that come from conversations with each of them.