For a summary, scroll down past this long, detailed, tear filled post.

                Tuesday my dad texted me saying he would be in Peoria until Friday for work, but that he should be home for us to come over Friday night. I got this message after soccer practice and drove home like I always did. Dropping off Payton first, and then going to my house.  Josue didn’t have a game either that night, so he came over for a little while.

While we were sitting on the couch watching tv, my dad texted me at 8:30 saying, “If you can say a little prayer for Grandma Demeter tonight and tomorrow. She is in the hospital for a couple of days for observation and some tests.” I just replied okay and asked why. He said he didn’t know, and neither did they. That was the reason the tests were being performed. I prayed quickly to myself, but dismissed it. When my mom walked in the room a little later I told her about the text my dad had sent me. I didn’t know why it was hard to re-read to her. But fear and uncertainty struck my body. If it were for multiple days, something must be wrong.

                I always sleep with my phone on my bed and subconsciously check it in the middle of the night. Sometimes I even reply to messages in my sleep. I woke up around 6am, an hour earlier than my alarm, and read this text message from my dad, “They are not sure what is going on with grandma, but they just left Mt. Pleasant by ambulance to take her to Iowa City.” I also had a missed call from my Aunt Michelle.

 I tried, but I had an unsuccessful attempt at getting my other hour of sleep.  I forwarded the text to my mom, who later came into my room and asked if I knew what was going on and if I was okay. I stopped fighting it and eventually got up and got ready for school. I am not one to get on facebook, or start my lap top in the morning. But this morning I logged on and posted on Team CILT, asking my fellow Camp Tecumseh CILTS from the summer of 2010 to pray for my grandma. Before leaving for my health careers class, I texted my dad to ask if they knew what was wrong, but he said they still weren’t sure and that she is in the icu area. I also asked if he was going there and he said it depends what they say that morning.

I told my friend Laci when we were in the parking lot after class. Again, I found it really hard. Just as it had been telling my mom.  I kept it on my mind all day. After school was out I texted my dad, but he hadn’t heard anything and just told me good luck in our soccer game tonight. I know he was upset that he couldn’t be there for it.

I don’t even remember if I told him how it turned out. But he gave me the number to the ICU department of the hospital and suggested I call my grandma and tell her about my game. I wasn’t sure that was such a good idea, so I questioned it. But again, he told me to. I often talked to my grandma on the phone, but I feared this time it would be different on her end. After mustering up the courage, I called and asked to speak to Ms. Demeter. The man asked me to please hold on and was replaced with quiet music. After a few minutes, he returned and said she was asleep so I said thank you and goodbye.

I told my dad she was asleep and didn’t speak to him again until he called on Thursday.  After practice I was tired, and went downstairs to try to sleep. I usually sleep well because it is dark, quiet, and cold enough to snuggle up under the big soft blankets coated in dog hair. But I just couldn’t fall asleep. My phone rang at 7:45. It was my dad calling. He told me that things just weren’t looking well for my grandma and that he was on his way over there. He asked if I would take Maria to the daily chapel at my church to light a candle and say a prayer. I said yes as the tears swelled up, flooding my eyes. He asked if I would rather him tell my siblings and I said yes. I walked upstairs and found my sister. I knew my dad had called, she was just as upset. And Michael was on the phone as I walking in the room.

Maria and I left for church, both crying. I took a lone dollar that was sitting in the cup holder of my car and we walked into the daily chapel. Maria lit one of the tall candles. Then, we went to the second row of chairs and kneeled. The blue chairs all have plaques on the back with names on deceased members of our church and our families. Our brother, Matthew’s happened to be one of the ones we kneeled behind. We fell to our knees, folded our hands, and opened our hearts. We prayed quietly. I was reminded of the night my dad and I went to the exact spot to pray for my grandpa Demeter. Maria and I finished and quietly left.

I texted my dad saying I loved him and telling him to drive safely. He called me back and said he was still on his way, but that my Aunt Christine who was there called him and said things just don’t look good and that she may be on her way to be with my grandpa soon. I cried and cried and finally my mom found me in my room. She asked me if there was more that I knew, but there wasn’t. She gave me some medicine and I calmed down and went to sleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a bad headache. I went to the medicine cabinet in the kitchen, but there was no Excedrin to be found. I got my mom up, but she couldn’t find any either. I knew it was going to happen. It always does when I cry before bed. She laid down with me, placing a washcloth on my forehead, and rubbing my back until I finally fell back asleep.

My dad had texted me at 3:17am, wishing me a happy birthday. Evidentially he must not have been sleeping well either. When I woke up to get ready for school I texted him back thanking him and telling him I love him. I received a reply saying , “Grandma is here still with us. She is not doing well.” I also had a text from my aunt asking to stop and say a prayer for my grandma. She didn’t even mention anything about it being my birthday. But later in the day I found that I preferred it that way.

I asked my dad if they knew what was wrong yet, and he just said no, but that her body is very very sick. I tried to get ready for school, and I tried to act happy when my family wished me a happy birthday. But really all I wanted to do was cry. My mom had decorated the kitchen in streamers and balloons. But I didn’t not feel it was a time to celebrate. It had been a rough night. There were 4 cards laid out at the end of the table. I opened the one from my mom and Dan and a present they bought me. The card had money and the present was a TOMS shirt. But I couldn’t continue with the rest of the cards. I was going to wait until later in the day. When this all passed and I could show my gratitude.

As I walked in to my health careers class, I found that like my family, my friends were eager to wish me a happy birthday. They sang to me and asked me to please cheer up and smile. None of them knew. I didn’t want it to be my birthday. I wanted to be able to be quiet, and hide in the background.

It was a Friday, so after 30 minutes of class we were headed to the developmental preschool. My friend Laci put her arm around me and asked me what was wrong. But I couldn’t answer. It was even harder than the other times. She tried to guess, but didn’t ever say the right thing. I wanted her to know, but I couldn’t say it.

I got into my car and read this text from my dad, “I have told grandma that you love her. She was so proud of all three of you.” I tried my best to not let any of my classmates see me as they pulled out. I didn’t want them to see the steamy face streaked with tears.

When we got to Even Start, I felt even more separated from everyone. They had all been the week before when I stayed home sick. I stuck beside my friend Hannah and followed her like a shadow. Even though I tried to play it cool, my friends could tell I was upset. But eventually I lived in the moment and found reasons to smile and to laugh. These included when a little girl grabbed my hand as we walked outside for the fire drill, watching a little boy named Joseph play, getting a hug from a girl named Addy, and singing along with the kids. Joseph had blue glasses that were similar to goggles, besides the lenses of course. He was a wild man on the scooter and bike, flying around the gym in circles and crashing often. Then, he got in the black pick-up truck that runs with the movement of little feet and drove around. We loved watching him turn and look out the back window as he reversed, just as a real driver would do.

When we left I was the last one to pull out of the parking lot. There was no where I really wanted to be besides with my dad, and especially I did not want to go to school. I saw another girl from my class clasp her hands over her mouth and wipe her eyes before she pulled out. I wasn’t that close to her, so I debated for a while whether I should knock on her window and make sure she was okay or just go. I decided to send her a facebook message instead. After seeing her, things didn’t seem so bad. I had no reason for an outburst of tears, and suddenly forgot my own sadness that was lingering over my birthday.

At school I always had a big smile on my face when I got to walk with Josue to third period, but I couldn’t even bring myself to look him in the eye. He understood without any words. As the day went on, I went through my classes like normal, with an occasional class bursting in song, wishing me a happy birthday. This also happened at lunch when we shared the cupcakes my friend made our table. I didn’t want any of the attention, but even more I didn’t want anyone to suspect something was wrong so I went along with it all. Eventually, I became a little more comfortable and a little more focused on school. I even smiled a few times, including walking with Josue later in the day. Although I was very upset at one point when my friend asked me what I was doing tonight-and which parent’s house I was at. I knew I was supposed to be at my dad’s, but that he was in Iowa and I wouldn’t be going to his house. But I didn’t want that to be the case, I wasn’t accepting of what was going on in any way. I just answered her saying I’m not really sure as I tried to contain myself.

I had been checking my phone and bringing it to some classes with me. But I still hadn’t heard anything else from my dad. It was seventh period, yearbook. I finally had made it to the end of the day, and luckily no one in this class even knew it was my birthday. My phone vibrated a few times and I was hesitant, but I checked it. It was my cousin Jacqueline wishing me a happy birthday.  Then at 2:43 pm, it vibrated a few more times than the last time. I pulled it out and saw my dad was calling me. I couldn’t answer it. Not because this of the school’s cell phone policy-this was actually the one class I could get away with it. But because I was scared it was going to be a call similar to one I received from him in eighth grade when my Grandpa Demeter passed away. He left me a voicemail. I sat staring at the clock in the bottom right hand screen of my computer. I texted Josue saying that I was scared and that my dad had called me. But he didn’t have his phone on him. I was hot inside of my jacket, but cold and sweaty and shaky. Finally, the announcements came on and the final bell rang.

I brought the pink slip I received to the office and they traded it for a bouquet of flowers sent from my mom. I then gathered my backpack, practice bag, and vase of flowers. I was struggling to carry them all. Then I went to Josue’s locker, but I couldn’t look at him again. We walked down to the locker room. I almost asked him to wait while I listened to the voicemail, but I couldn’t. He left and I went inside the girls locker room.

I set my flowers and bags down in the corner on the side where Hannah and I always changed. Then I took my phone out of my pocket and watched as the red light flashed, letting me know I had a voicemail. I listened to my dad talk in an upset voice asking me to give him a call. I tried to brace myself, anticipating what he was going to tell me. I figured I couldn’t cry anymore-I had already enough during the week. Plus I had myself convinced that when we kept a dream journal for my psych class just a few weeks before and I had dreamed that I was at a family reunion and I was crying, it was because they had served cantaloupe which made me think of my Grandpa. And even though the ship my Grandma was on had sunk, she had survived and was on her way to the reunion. I knew that my Grandma was strong and that she could overcome whatever had sent her to the hospital.

When I called at 3:11pm  my dad he was crying, and immediately hot tears flooded my eyes and rolled down my face onto my new TOMS tshirt. My dad told me that my Grandma had passed away and was no longer with us. He told me he wasn’t sure when the funeral plans would be, but sometime next week. I couldn’t say anything, all I could do was cry. I said goodbye and we hung up. Then I turned to my best friend Hannah who was waiting for me with wide arms. She held me and let me cry. And I was able to tell her what had just happened. I know that more people looked at me, but I didn’t see any of them as I walked out of the locker room. Hannah walked with me, her arm wrapped around my sorrowing body. I asked her what I should do about practice, if I should go over to the field and tell my coach. But she said not to worry about it, she would take care of it. I called Maria and told her I was by the car. Hannah waited with me until Maria came out. Then, she hugged me again and went back to the locker room. My friend Sarah was in the parking lot and came running over, but stopped when she saw our tears. She hugged Maria, but I couldn’t even look at her.

Maria and I drove home, crying the whole way and holding hands. When we got home, Michael and my mom were also home. The three of us hugged each other and cried. I didn’t want to be alone, so I followed Maria into her room. Michael came soon after. We sat on her bed and continued to cry. My sister had an appointment with her counselor, whom we had all been to for various reasons. My mom asked us if any of us wanted to go, but there was no way I was going to talk to her-especially about this. Instead, my mom went.

I opened the rest of my cards and presents later which included money, a new wallet, a necklace, and a north face. I can’t recall if I ate dinner or not, but I don’t think I did. I just wanted the sadness to go away, but I didn’t know how to make that happen. I was too sad to do anything, and too much in disbelief.

I also looked at my facebook. It was always an exciting time, when you receive many many notifications, sometimes from unexpected people, or ones you have been out of contact with. But when I scrolled through the birthday posts on my wall, all I could do was cry. And think to myself, this is not happy and this is not wonderful and this is not spectacular. In fact, I might dare to say it is the opposite. And I cried knowing that this sad, upsetting death was on a day that was supposed to be one of the best days of my year. I guess birthdays always have been a little overrated anyways.

Finally, around 9pm we went to my dad’s. He had driven home to get clothes because he only had his work ones with him for the week since he was staying in Peoria, and I like to think partially to see me on my birthday. Even though it was going to hit me all over again, and even harder this time, I wanted to be with my dad. I wanted to be there for him and him for us.

We sat in the family room for a while, staying close together and letting the tears fall. It was a hard, sad, quiet night. Also during this time my dad got a card from the kitchen table and gave it to me. He said he was sorry that he didn’t have a cake for me, but I did notice he had drawn a cake on the envelope with 18 candles. I more than understood.  Even though it is a little selfish, I was hoping to still receive two cards at his house. I was hoping, by some sort of luck, that my Grandma had got one put in the mail for me before she went in the hospital. She always had a card for each of us one our birthday. But I had no such luck. Again, I more than understood. But I still wished.

I’m not sure how I managed to calm down enough to get some sleep. But I eventually did. I went to bed that night one year older, but without a big piece of me and my family.

I still wish I wouldn’t have passed up the opportunities I had to spend with her. Less than a month before, my dad asked us if we wanted to go with him for Labor Day weekend. We were with my mom, and I had lots of plans- our family was coming up, we were celebrating my Grandma Ludwig’s birthday, and I was spending the night at Depauw with my friend. As much as I wanted to go to Iowa and see my family and go to Old Threasers, I passed up the opportunity. One that I would go back and trade anything for. Also, this summer we were supposed to go. But we convinced my dad not to bring us. I was tired and exhausted after getting home from New England and didn’t want to spend more time away from Cville, and miss more soccer practices. Even though later I found out it was moratorium week and I couldn’t practice anyway. Later, I had talked to my Grandma on the phone and she hoped we would come out another week in the summer and spend it with her-and we could even go shopping.

Since I have been born, I have made frequent trips to Iowa-especially during the summer. Even when my friends and I get together and recall old memories, the ones I don’t remember it’s often due to “oh ya-you were in Iowa Maddy.” I’m not even sure when the last time I had been to Iowa was-possibly at Easter if it was a year I was with my dad. It had been the longest time period I had been without going to Iowa and seeing my cousins and aunts and uncles and my Grandma. Now, I would give anything to go back and take both opportunities to visit her. It had been the longest stretch of time since I had seen her, and now I have to wait much, much longer until I am with her again.

I love you Grandma

This is an essay I wrote and used for a few college applications. It is just a summary, a snap-shot. I started the first half of the detailed version. But now I fear I've waited too long to finish it and the second half will be missing a lot. I hope it isn't that way. But until then...

Friday September 30, 2011 was going to be my big day. It was one of those birthdays that have specified cards with the sparkly numbers “1 8” already printed on them. It was the day I turned eighteen and would become a legal adult, able to technically make my own decisions and able to buy white out all by myself.

But when I woke up that morning, I felt anxious and was full of uncertainty. I had a text message from my dad wishing me a, “happy 18^th birthday” and informing me that “Grandma is still here with us.”

My Grandma Demeter had gone to her local hospital in Iowa on September 27 for some testing. But overnight, she was transferred to a much bigger hospital in Iowa City by ambulance. I was miles away from my family, who was by her side in the ICU area, and I felt very disconnected.

At school when my friends eagerly wished me a happy birthday and sang to me, I tried my best to smile and look grateful. But, I know I struggled to do so successfully. The school day seemed longer than normal. I was thankful for the classes that we stayed busy in, because they kept my mind from wondering how things were going with my Grandma.

After the final bell of the day rang, I went down to the musty-smelling locker room to get ready for soccer practice. I set down the beautiful bouquet of flowers my mom sent to the school as a birthday surprise and checked my cell phone. The red light on the top right corner was flashing signifying that I had a voicemail. It was my dad asking to give him a call.

I reluctantly dialed his number and waited for him to pick up. His voice was trembling as he got right to the point, “Grandma passed away. She is with Grandpa now.” My hands started to tingle as my face turned hot and steamy tears streamed down it. I said a weak goodbye and hung up the phone. Then, I turned to my best friend who held me and let me cry. Somehow I was able to muster out just enough words to tell her what happened. She walked with me to my car and stood beside me until my younger sister came.

The next Tuesday, October 2, was her viewing. My aunts, uncles, and dad stood in a line meant for people that wanted to greet the family. Even though it was for them, I stood in it too. I stood right beside my dad and listened as people offered their condolences and said what a great woman my Grandma was. But a few times, people even said something to me. Often it was something along the lines of, “Wow. I can sure tell you’re a Demeter.” Never has there been a time when I have been more proud of my joyful brown eyes and brown curly hair.

Now September 30 is not just a day to celebrate my birthday, but a birthday I share of my Grandma Demeter’s day that she was given new life and born into Heaven.

Oct 20-23

A little time has passed already. But I want to write about last weekend before even more time passes. All I have wanted to do for a while is write. And I keep getting more and more writing projects in school. But they just aren't satisfying my desire. I just want to blog. And now I finally have some time. Yay!

Last week we had Friday off for parent teacher conferences/meet the teacher night. So our weekend started on Thursday. After school I was ready for my nap. But instead, Josue came over and watched The Proposal with me and Maggie.

Then he left, I packed a bag, and went to Grace's for the night. She had an extravagant scavenger hunt planned for us. But half of the girls weren't able to come until late due to work and a volleyball game. So we didn't get to do it. Grace and I were both bumming. But hopefully this just gives us even more incentive to all get together again to hang out. Instead, we ate lots of food and watched The Office and laughed and talked and played with her crazy kitten, Milo, and had a back-massage line. We also played wii, and all got dominated by Megan. Especially me. We all slept in one really big room. Most of us on the floor. I slept by Grace and she worked patiently with me trying to teach me how to talk in her voice where she turns her lips downward into a frown. It makes me and everyone else laugh and laugh. I still have a long way to go. We also agreed to start watching The Office together and read funny facebook stats until I fell asleep. Oh! And she asked me to take her senior pictures! Well in the spring. I'm just so excited! Because well I really love Grace and she's so sweet and I also really love photography and am so happy she thinks I'm good enough to ask me to take her pictures!

I woke up Friday and was the last to leave. I didn't really want to leave, but I figured I should try to go home and get stuff done. I took a shower and a nap. I napped on the couch, then when Michael sat down I woke up and ran to my own bed. I slept soundly until my mom woke me up just with enough time to get ready for my interview! Thursday she emailed Kecia for me, someone my brother used to work for, and she said yes they're hiring and set up and interview.

I wore my jeans and brown sperry look a likes and a purple shirt and Maria's necklace. My mom came with me. When we walked downstairs to her office she wasn't there. But the guy that was gave me an application to fill out. I was very worried about the references and not having their addresses and phone numbers. Soon, she showed up and said don't worry about it. Then, we went upstairs to talk. We sat in the Sparks Center full of empty tables and chairs. Even though my mom assured me she wouldn't, Kecia asked me a lot of questions. She asked me to tell her about myself and what I do in my spare time and my plans for next year and if I'd had a job before and any experience with food. Somehow I thought of telling her that in my free time I like to create things-like collages of pictures. And that I've worked in a food pantry where we unload the truck, set out the food, and go through the line holding bags. Both of these were applicable to the catering job I was applying for. She said if I want it the job was mine- as long as I came out of my shell and also brought my creativity. (and as long as my background check comes back clean) I'm so excited! Although I am a little nervous that gymnastics is going to interfere with it. Yikes.

I came home to a sister in a cleaning-frenzy. Sarah wanted to carve pumpkins with us, but Maria was too focused. So Sarah picked me up and we went to the armory parking lot. We each picked out the best pumpkin we could find. One that didn't have too many spots, had a good handle, sat up by itself, and was round. We carved a circle around the handle and emptied them out first. I drew a face with hearts for eyes, a triangle nose, and big lips. Sarah didn't even get that far. But we had to clean up because we both had other plans.

I drove to Steak'n'Shake where I met Steph and Sam. As I was getting out of my car they told me that there was a long wait. So we decided to go to Applebee's. Hannah and Alex and Erin met us there. I am so happy and thankful that even though they are in college, we still continue to hang out. I love my friends. We talked a little bit about where Hannah and I were applying to and how high school was going and a lot about Steph and her boys throughout the year. There is never a dull moment hanging out with Hannah, Steph, and Alex.

I got back home and learned that Sarah didn't end up following through with her earlier plans of going to the football game. And boy was I glad! So she came over. I haven't had as much Sarah time as I am used to. It's sad. But when we do hang out I love it. She is so happy and full of life. We sat on my bed for a while as she tried to convince me to get a twitter.

Then, we got up and drove downtown. My friend Dom was playing at Alan's Country Kitchen (previously The Patch of Blue Denim and before that Moondance and before that Campbells) We weren't really sure what that meant and were a little skeptical of what we were going to. Neither of us were hungry and we didn't want to stay for the whole thing and we just didn't know. When we walked in he was right there and smiled at me as he continued to play. At the table right in front of them was my friend Kara! She graduated last year, so I'm very sad to not spend every 7th period with her anymore. We sat down at the table with Kara and Christian and Josh and listened to Dom and his friend play and sing. I wish that my back wasn't facing Dom. When we would get to talking at the table I would forget that the great music I was listening to was being played live right behind me-and by one of my very good friends! He is so passionate about his music and it is really obvious when you hear it. He is so good. I love it. He used to send me recorded clips of it and I would save them and listen to them on my phone all of the time. Before we left, I asked if I should write him a note to put in his open guitar case. I didn't have anything, but Kara dug and found a little piece of paper in her purse and eyeliner. So that's what I wrote it in. I placed it along with a dollar in the case and gave Sarah a dollar to put in too. When we walked out I smiled at him again and he said thanks for coming and that he liked my shirt. He really is so sweet.

Sarah stayed for a little bit, but agreed with the rest of my family that I needed to go to bed early and left. I tried.

Saturday morning I woke up early and drove to the high school for the ACTs. I thought they were really challenging and hardly had time to finish any of the sections. It's just so long anyways. I can only sit there and concentrate and try for so long.

I took a shower, ate some lunch, and then Josue came over. My mom took pictures of us outside. I was sad that we didn't have any small trees with rich fall colors, but we found one that worked in my neighbor's yard. I just really wanted an excuse to wear my hat really. We also played soccer with Maggie and laughed as Dan tried to and we watched tv. Then he left and I left for my dad's.

I said hello to my dad and dropped my sister and my bags off and drove down Main Street to babysit. I hadn't been called to babysit for a long time and was pretty excited. When I got there Andrea introduced me to the kids and showed me around the house. Telling me things like how to make Grant's bottle and that Alayna is asking for help when she says, "Me help you." I started to feed Grant as they walked out the door. During the evening I changed two dirty diapers and a wet pull-up, made two bottles, and helped with Nick Jr.com. Nathan was able to take care of himself and stayed occupied by watching tv and playing x-box. Alayna was a picky eater and didn't eat her original dinner but did have jello and applesauce and ice cream. She was occasionally fussy, but most of the night she spent playing on the computer. Grant was by my side the whole time, and sometimes in my arms. I watched him to keep him out of trouble and played with him. We played with plastic food from a kitchen set that was mine when I was younger, read books, and played with other toys. I was amazed that even though his balance was off a little he was able to walk really well and never hurt himself when he stumbled and fell. I was relieved when Andrea and Matt returned. Not that I was ready to give up the kids, but I was exhausted. It takes so much work being a mom, I am realizing that more and more. I couldn't imagine having a kid as a teenager. As much as a joy and love that kids are, it is just so much work and you really have to have a good commitment. I really have so much admiration for all of the mom's, espeically my Aunt Michelle comes to mind. I am still so thankful for the time I got to spend with her and Max this summer.

I went home and talked to my dad and sister a little while. Then I curled in bed and slept. I slept soundly until about eleven on Sunday. I woke up and my dad cooked waffles for Maria and I. After having those waffles, I never want to settle for an Eggo waffle.

My dad decided that we really just needed to get out of the house and do something. We all think this most days, but by the time we think of something to do we have run out of time normally. So we all showered, got ready, picked up Lindsay, and drove to the Covered Bridge Festival. I had never been and was very anxious to go. I enjoyed to car ride there and decided that I do like the rolling hills of Indiana with cows and corn on either side of the road. And I love the deep oranges, yellows, browns, and reds of the trees.

We finally found a place to park and walked around for a while. Maria and Lindsay went off by themselves. My dad and I walked along the path covered with interesting people and booths on both sides. None of them really caught our interest. Although we did buy a water. Then we got to more quality booths. We saw click it hot heating pads and bought a vanilla ice cream to share. I also found 2 gifts for my sunshine lady- a pumpkin container for Halloween and a snowman ornament for December. I like the crafty items like those. My dad and I also shared kettle corn as we walked back to find the girls.

We drove home with just enough time for Maria to get ready and go to church early to sing. I had plans to do homework, but ended up continuing the nap I dozed off into on the way home. I don't know if it's the sheets on the bed, or the darkness of my room, or the quiet of the house-but I sleep really well at my dad's house. Then I got up, got ready, and drove to church. In my very clean car with a recently filled tank- thanks to my dad.

At church I was scheduled for the second reader and I also filled in last minute as a Eucharistic minister.I like being involved in the ministries. I also like when Sam Rocha plays the guitar. It is so lively and fun to listen to. Father Dennis played a video as his homily that discussed the liturgical change that is going to occur universally. I'm a little unsure of it. But obviously I trust all of the people that put it together and I'm sure we'll all adapt just fine to it.

After the announcements, Sam Rocha introduced himself and told us about how he was a blogger and complied him entries into a book that brought a Catholic perspective to many worldly stuff like politics. I was so excited to hear this and thought about how it must feel to write a book! I also thought that if he could do it, surely Sarah Wright could and should. I also thought about my own self and how much I would love to. And how I have been slacking on the blog. This may have been where my recent inspiration and desire to blog derived from.

After church, I went to Lifeteen. I squeezed on the comfy couch with Angel, Tori, Cali, and Elizabeth. It makes it so much better when I have friends there and am able to hang out with them. Mrs. Warren taught and the night was focused on "God makes all things new." Or something like that. We listened to a Theology of the Body clip and I really like Jason's analogy. When a girl that had given up on herself went to him, he took out a twenty dollar bill and asked if she wanted it, she said yes. Then he crumpled it up and asked her again. She said yes, it's still worth the same amount. So he threw it to the ground and stepped on it, getting dirt on it. He asked a third time and she responded the same way saying yes-it's $20 and all you have to do is pick it up and dust it off. He said that we are the same way. Our worth and value always remains the same, even despite the bad choices we make. God always loves us and values us just as the girl recognized the worth of the twenty dollar bill. I also remembered the story I'd heard before that they told. In a foreign country the dad dropped his boy off at kindergarten, told him he loved him, and that he'd see him later. That day, an earth quake occurred and the school crumbled down. When the dad heard, he left and ran to his boy. He found the crumbled school and starting throwing chunks of concrete, for he knew his boy was in the east corner of that school somewhere. He continued to search an hour, 5 hours, 20 hours, finally 38 hours. His knuckles were ripped open and his hands bleeding. But he pulled away a piece of rock to reveal his son and 20 other live children. His dad looked up at him and said "Papi." Then turned to his classmates and said, "see. I told you my dad would come back. He promised he would." That story gave me chills and made me realize the capacity that we as humans have to love.

Maria and I went back to my dad's and said goodbye. Then headed to my mom's. I thought of leaving my dad and of my Grandma's death and cried silent tears on the way back. I sat in my car and texted Sarah until they stopped. Then i went inside and tried to work on homework.

I didn't get all of it accomplished. But I did have a deep, meaningful talk with Josue. We talked about going to church and about building relationships with God and about how wrong we both think it is that people cheat on each other and about how much respect we have for each other. I just really liked all of it and went to bed very happy.

Just a few thoughts

I haven't blogged in a long time. Almost a month. Maybe a month exactly. I miss blogging daily. I looked through some old posts and am so impressed with myself. Really. Also two people talked to me about my blog in the past two days. And when I haven't even posted in a while that's saying a lot.

I have a post that I was working on. About my birthday and the events that occurred. But I'm only half way finished. It's just going to take a lot to start continue working on it. But I will try to maybe this weekend so I can post it.

Hmmm. Here are some brief updates about me since I last blogged:
1) I turned 18.
2) I lost a very loved one- my Grandma Demeter.
3) I've applied to college. Hanover and Depauw and Xavier and Dayton and am working on St. Louis university. And so far I have been accepted to Hanover!
4) Soccer season ended. And our banquet was at the Beef House. I won mental attitude!
5) I got a new phone. The iPhone 4. And it's white with a purple case.

But I've been thinking about it. And I think it is so important to do what makes you happy and what makes you smile. Like listening to sweet songs and taking day naps and matching your clothes and eating sweet sugary things and painting your nails and playing with your pet and staying up late talking with friends on weeknights and writing handwritten letters and sunshine and cute actors and dancing and school spirit and spending time with family especially fun aunts and young cousins and reading good books and snow cones and tan skin and running free and cuddling and feather pillows and chap stick and glossy magazine pages and finding jeans that fit and tAking pictures and cuddling. But mostly spending time with family and friends because they are so important and you honestly don't know what could happen to them at any moment. I want to live with no regrets and reminding everyone that I love how great they are and how much they mean to me.